11/9/2008 15:20

Do Not Resuscitate

November 2, 2008 -- "Just over 100% of all local churches are in the wrong place," according to Dr. Gorton Hindfoot, a District Inspector for the Untied Moccasin Church.

"There are two possibilities," Dr. Hindfoot explained. "Either the local church building was in the wrong place when it was first constructed, or the population has shifted since it was built, or the church will be left behind by future changes."

Dr. Hindfoot was speaking at a congregation which was shut down early in the twentieth century.

Borrowing a term from health care, Dr. Hindfoot proposed putting a Do Not Resuscitate order on local congregations.

"Many local congregations are terminally ill, while others have already expired but nobody has yet noticed," he explained. "A DNR order will allow us to concentrate scarce resources on the few churches which will survive denominational attention."

Hindfoot, himself firmly stuck in the mud, advised others not to be afraid to "take a flying leap".

"I'd like to tell churches with problems to get rid of their buildings and meet over the internet," Dr. Hindfoot said, "but unfortunately I can't even figure out email."

Dr. Hindfoot's remarks received a generally warm welcome, with one person remarking loudly, "I can't hear him, either."

(The Alternative Reality News Service contributed to this report.)