5/14/2012 09:38

Looking

My friend was talking about his new daughter. "Sometimes I just look at her," he said. And then he went on to wonder how anyone could abuse children.

I think he is onto something important by linking looking with caring. Years ago I heard a story in a sermon which linked looking with respect. The word respect (the story pointed out) derives from looking again. If you look more, if you look a second time, you are more likely to recognize a connection between yourself and the other, more likely to care about her.

Even the effort of looking shapes your attitude. Your mind knows that anything you spend time looking at must be worth the time you spent looking. You create a value in your own worldview by giving your attention to another.

I don't mean that looking is an automatic route to caring. There is such a thing as a cold, calculating stare; it attaches a utilitarian value to its object but not a human value. There is such a thing as concupiscence, as well; it is hot rather than cold, but assigns an equally narrow valuation. Nevertheless, for anyone who has a normal human capacity for caring, looking at another person can at least open the possibility.

There is a subtle distinction between this suggestion to look and the more frequent admonition to "Listen to me!" Listening presumes the active participation of the other person; the other must have both the ability and the desire to speak. Looking has a similar openness but does not place a responsibility on the other person. Looking is equally applicable to a mature adult friend or an infant.

Of course, when the other person does have something to say to you, looking without listening is not a caring, respectful response. Hopefully, if you are looking, you will see that more is wanted of you.

Looking is one path by which a child or a spouse, or even a tulip or a broken bit of fool's gold, can enter more deeply into iyour worldview, your personal reality. When that happens, that person, plant, or pebble becomes something which you take into account as you play the game. She becomes something of value.

In actual reality, isn't that what we most want from others?


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